Friends ... I treasure them the most

Am I that unreliable? This question keep echoing in my head since this morning. I'm a person who don't usually think about myself yet maybe I'm too selfish all this time. I got a message last night that my friend's (senpai) dad passed away and we'd attend the funeral. One bad news. I didn't think that series of bad news would come later.

I did watch anime last night but it's rare that I fell asleep on a chair till morning leaving my laptop turned on. And at 5 a.m. I got up, found that I was still online on twitter. Read some tweets from my timeline when my eyes stopped at one from my friend said about rest in piece to her brother. I didn't feel anxious at the moment since she put a smile emoticon at the end of her sentence so I just replied her by asking who's passed away?? with terribly unconcerned tone. Then I back to sleep after having my morning pray since my body was so hurt because of awkward sleeping pose on the chair before.

At 8 I got up, looked for my cell phone. Surprisingly there were 7 message already, 4 of them told me that my friend's brother has passed away this morning. I went "Eh?" so what's on her tweet before is not a joke??? So terrible I am, how couldn't I read the atmosphere. But what inside my head was why didn't she tell me at the first place?? We're friend, right? Why?

I called my other friend just to ask the situation, she said that my friend called her before informing this matter and so on. She suggest me not to text her at the moment just to give her time to calm herself. I texted my other friend and she also said that my friend texted already text her to inform this matter, she said that my friend is having her flight to her home so I can't call him at the moment. But why???It's okay if she didn't tell me some trivial things just like usual, but for this important problem... I feel that I left behind. I don't know the answer.

I speed my motorcycle roughly just to relieve my feeling, yet nothing change. Well, at last I conclude it myself, the one who're selfish here is me. Yes we're friend, that's true from my point of view, I like her, yes from my pint of view. I like her, I trust her, it happened since my accident on the day we had an exam. I didn't tell anyone bout it but later she found out and she protested "Why didn't you tell me (about the accident)  you should have told me. I'm worrying you." I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them worry me. But her words remind me, that's what friend used to be. I like her, I treasure her as my precious friend ever. But people have  right to choose their own comfort, right? So this is my conclusion, I love my friend this way yet they probably not love me the same way. I'm not quite reliable that's my problem that I can't blame or demand anyone to love me with a certain way. So she didn't tell me is her right decide. Who am I to demand something more from people who gave me enough joy in my life?. Blame myself that I can't be a straightforward person. In the end I manage to call her, but what's coming out from my mouth was a usual talk even we talked bout group task, I didn't know what to say though in my mind there were lots to say.

Now, it's ok. I can easily moved yet easily recovered as well.

To have you as my friend is great. It's enough for me.

I do apologize since I'm can't be a trusted friend all this time, gomen ...

Ah, today I also visit my friend who is hospitalized, I hope she'll get well soon.

And I need to apologize to one of my friend since I didn't help him without a clear reason due to my messy brain because of the prior matter >.<

sorry, I caused so many trouble just because I'm too full of myself